This Glamorous Kind of Life
by RisqueSno
Summary: In Gotham there are many different places for someone to lose themselves in and Harley doesn't particularly enjoy any of them too much. A peek into the daily lives of two homicidal clowns. Four seasons, five locations, a five chapter WIP. JokerxHarley
1. Spring Rain

**Title:** _This Glamorous Kind of Life: Chapter One Spring Rain_

**Author:** _Sno-Chan_

**Beta:** _Gladrial_

**Permission to Archive:** _Go ahead, just please let me know if you do._

**Category:** _Slice of Life, JHQ, Multi-Chapter Miniseries_

**Genre:** _Romance, Drama, Humor_

**Rating:** _T for some language, nudity, violence, and possible light sexual situations._

**Summary:**_ In Gotham there are many different places for someone to lose themselves in…Harley doesn't particularly enjoy any of them too much. Four seasons, five locations, a five chapter WIP. (JokerxHarley)_

**Disclaimer:** _DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world. Also, I stole this disclaimer from Amanda._

**Spoilers:** _None. Pick a time period and go for it!_

**Keywords:** _Joker, Harley, JHQ, Gotham_

**Author Notes:** _This is a quick little miniseries I cooked up one day while it was raining that started out as a quick little drabble and grew into five chapters within a few days. Now you must bear with me because this whole "posting chapters as I write them" thing is new to me, and I normally am against it for many creative reasons, but this time it just felt appropriate. So there may be weeks (or perhaps months) between chapters, depending on how much writing I'm getting done at the time, but don't fret because it will be finished at some point. _

_Each chapter is set in a new season and an increasingly better residence, this one taking place in a rather dumpy apartment, the next in a slightly better one, and it becomes more obvious as the chapters continue. The whole point is to showcase the variety of Joker and Harley's living conditions and present a possible view of what their home life is like on a daily basis. No fluff, I swear. (Gladrial has drawn the line with "Catch Me When I Fall" and I shant dare to cross it!) This is also the shortest of the chapters, if my in-progress chapter two is any indication._

**This Glamorous Kind of Life: Chapter One Spring Rain**

It was raining. Now, although she had no real problem with rain, or water in general, Harley did take exception to it pouring through their roof and soaking her personal effects. And the furniture. And herself.

Things had been fine at first, with only a few stray drops hitting the corner of the sofa, quickly remedied with the clever application of a bucket swiped from the janitor's closet. But within the hour the sprinkling of rain had turned into a full-blown storm, and one bucket turned into two, then three, and after that any device capable of holding water. Her shower cap and pencil box had been added to the affair in a last ditch attempt to handle things, but this was quite obviously one problem she was not going to solve without re-roofing the entire apartment building.

And, to be honest, she didn't really care that much.

So gathering up a pillow and one of the dime-store romances she frequently indulged in, Harley retreated to the last dry place in the apartment: the bathroom. And this was exactly where her Puddin' found her almost three hours later, stretched out lazily in the unfilled tub, bare feet propped on the faucet.

"Harley," he began patiently, "May I inquire as to why you're in the bathtub fully clothed and not cooking or doing some other worthwhile task for me?"

Not bothering to look up from her book, she responded simply, "'Cause it's raining."

"Yes, I did notice that. In fact, I also noticed that it's raining inside our apartment as well as outside. I know this is odd because it doesn't usually feel like a typhoon near our coffee table."

At this point, Harley had decided that it was of no use beating around the bush and gently laid her book down on her lap. "Mistah J, you think it'd be a good idea to move now, what with our place rapidly becoming adequate for marine life?"

"Perhaps," the Joker replied airily, "but let's forget about it for tonight and go bowling instead. And by bowling, I mean terrorize the entire alley and kill a few people."

"Kay."

-o-o-o-o-o-

So they had a fantastic time at the nearest Bowl-O-Rama, which was very crowded that afternoon because of the rain. The Joker took the place hostage with some hired thugs and even slung a toddler down one of the lanes and got a strike. Harley quite enjoyed smacking around bowling balls with her oversized mallet as if she were playing golf, and made up a few suggestive victory dances to perform each time she hit someone among the huddled masses.

At one point during the festivities she was watching her man force a poor employee to reach up into the crane machine, fetching him a prize the old fashioned way, and cautiously brought up the state of their apartment again.

"Don't you worry about that, pumpkin pie. We've got a brand new one waiting for us back home," the Joker assured her before turning his attention back to the crying woman with her arm shoved into the machine. "There ya go, Stephie! Reach a little harder for that Robin doll in the middle. Wait, I changed my mind, get the Batgirl instead. And I DON'T see any NACHOS in my hands, people! Let's get it together!"

-o-o-o-o-o-

She knew her line by heart. _Who ordered a large sausage? Who ordered a large sausage? Who ordered a large sausage who ordered a large sausage who ordered a large sausage…_ Her darlin' had his ear against the door, listening to the chattering and happy conversation occurring within the apartment. It sounded like Spanish to Harley.

She held her breath as he straightened up and rapped his knuckles on the cheap wood, calling out in a surprisingly good squeaky teenage voice, "Pizza delivery!"

The voices inside ceased and a moment later the door was opened by a confused looking man in his thirties, who managed to get out, "I'm sorry, we didn't order any pizza," in a very accented voice before realizing just who was at his threshold. The man's dark eyes got wider than baseballs and his futile efforts to shut the door were in vain as the Joker merely placed a palm against the front and slammed it open once again.

It was Harley's cue. She cartwheeled through the entrance, tumbling to a stop at the feet of the other two people in the apartment, both women who had leapt up out of their chairs, and proclaimed in her most gratingly perky voice, "Who ordered a large sausage!?"

Perfect.

-o-o-o-o-o-

A few hours later they were getting ready for bed in their new bedroom, located two floors down from their last. It wasn't any better than their old one really, but the furniture was a little nicer and there was actual food in the kitchen. And, most importantly, they didn't have to swim anywhere.

"Look Puddin'! They had cupcakes in the fridge," Harley exclaimed happily as she brought a couple to the bed with her, one of which was immediately smashed into her face by the Joker. Sighing quietly she headed towards the attached bathroom to wash the chocolate off while the other clown busied himself with coating her side of the bed in crumbs as he ate.

"Hey Harl, where'd you put our lovely former renters' bodies?" he managed to ask around a mouthful of cupcake.

Her voice floated from the attached bathroom, backed by the sound of splashing. "Up on the roof, in that little utilities room no one pays attention to. There was a hole in that ceiling too, so I thought it fitting."

Joker made a grunting sound of approval, mumbling something about irony being acceptable, as Harley returned to the bedroom, face freshly scrubbed and blonde hair falling around her shoulders, curled slightly from being in pigtails all day. She thought she must look like a knockout in the little blue nightie, and supposed that her Puddin' might even reward her for doing such a good job during that days activities.

As Harley approached the bed, however, Joker pointedly turned his back on her and pulled the covers over himself, as if he had anticipated such a thought would pop into her empty little noggin and decided to head it off at the pass. It was a disappointed Harley that crawled into bed then…and right out as soon as she realized that her side was covered in bits of cake.

**End Author Notes:** _Please read and review, let me know what you thought! Next chapter- Harley's ass and bloody torture with knives. Related? Perhaps._


	2. Summer Heat

_Beta: Gladrial  
_

_Permission to Archive: Ask me first, tell me where it's going, and we'll see what we can do._

_Genre: Drama, Humor, Romance_

_Rating: T for some nudity, violence, and the normalization of an abusive relationship._

_Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world. Also, I stole this disclaimer from Amanda. Additionally, I made no profit from writing this. (You cheapskate!) _

_Spoilers: None. Pick a time period and go for it! (Reading chapter one __would also be cool, but each chapter is basically stand-alone.)_

_Author Notes: Oh my God! This certainly took awhile, didn't it? I told you it would. Hey, you know what's awesome? That this is my most favorite JHQ piece evers. Yeah, totally. The ending took awhile to decide on (READ: months and months) but I think it turned out great. Enjoy!_

* * *

**This Glamorous Kind of Life: Chapter Two - Summer Heat**

"_And watch out Gothamites, today's temperatures are going to be in the high nineties so be sure to slap on sunscreen and a hat if you plan on going to the beach or outside for any reason. But for many of you it'll be a great day to just stay inside where it's nice and cool-"_

A stray flip flop struck the weather man square in the face as he made this announcement, only to thud uselessly against the screen of the television and fall to the worn tile floor. "Great day to stay inside, my ass…" grumbled Harley from her relaxed position on the kitchen counter. The tiles were remarkably cool against her skin and a welcome relief from the sweltering heat that had engulfed their latest apartment.

_I can't believe he won't spring for a measly air conditioner_, she thought bitterly.

"Harley, get your sweaty ass off the counter, that's where my sandwiches are made," her lover snapped as he wandered into the kitchen area, bloody screwdriver in hand. She slid down reluctantly, pouting while he began to rummage through various drawers and cupboards obviously in search of something.

"Whatcha lookin' for, Puddin'?" she ventured cautiously, wincing as he began brushing out various cabinet contents to the floor. _Oy, what a mess…_

He sighed heavily and picked out a large knife from amongst the objects now littering the floor. "I was looking for that nice electric carver to use on the turkey, but I guess this'll do just as well with a little less noise."

Harley followed him boredly back into the bedroom, pausing briefly to step out of her sweat-soaked jean shorts and leave them uncaringly on the floor. It was just too fucking hot for clothes. Joker however didn't seem to be as affected by the heat: he was still in his purple slacks, although his bloody shirt and coat were lying rumpled in the corner of the room. And, she noted with displeasure, the undershirt he was currently in was about to be just as stained.

* * *

Their current hostage, a frightened lab technician, was tied naked to a chair. He began whimpering loudly when they entered, although it was muffled by the gag tied around his mouth, and outright sobbing when he caught sight of the large knife. The Joker grinned devilishly at this and made several fake lunges at the poor man with the weapon, giggling each time he flinched. 

Harley, however, paid them no mind and instead flopped onto the foot of the bed, her bare feet dangling over the side. She rolled onto her back and let her head hang off the edge. "Mistah J, can we maybe go do somethin'?" she asked sweetly to the upside-down clown.

"We are doing something! Well, I am anyway," he answered indifferently, running the knife slowly along the man's right hand which was strapped to the chair arm. A small trail of blood appeared and, before the hostage could attempt a cry, Joker swung the blade down and sliced off his right pinkie. "Oh hush, Stan. Everyone knows pinkies are useless!" he said in response to his victim's sudden screams.

Not about to stay cooped up in the sweaty apartment all day, Harley tried again. "What about the waterpark? We could go to the waterpark!"

Joker rolled his eyes at this, responding, "I'm definitely not going to hold an entire waterpark hostage just so you can ride a few slides and prance around in a bikini. That would be crazy." He had moved from Stan's mutilated hand to his foot now and was attempting to carve off one of his big toes.

Harley huffed and sat up again, crossing her bare arms in a sulky manner. Not that it did any good because her sweetheart wasn't even paying attention. He had succeeded in his efforts and beamed brightly.

"Well Stan, the good news is that you won't be bothered by that toe anymore. The bad news is…well, you don't have that toe anymore!" He began chortling but stopped abruptly when it was obvious by his cries that Stan, in fact, didn't appreciate being relieved of a part of his foot. "How ungrateful," he spat and began making shallow cuts around the man's knee, deliberately digging the blade into several.

Deciding to try an entirely different tactic, she crawled off of the bed to where the Joker was kneeling in front of the weeping Stan. Harley reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, dropping the pink lace into his lap. The Joker paused in his torture and glared at the article of clothing as if it was a moldy piece of fruit, then he slid the bloody knife through the strap and held it up like one would a snake coiled around a stick.

He coldly intoned, "Harley, I just don't have time for this. Can't you see I'm busy?" and suddenly, without warning, swung around with the knife and lodged it deep into her left leg. Her horrified scream as she felt the blade dig through her thigh roused the poor Stan from his dazed stupor, and he too began screaming very loudly through his gag. "Stupid girl, you got him started again," Joker snapped irritably, pulling the weapon out of her and turning back to his hostage.

From her new place on the floor, Harley tried desperately to staunch the blood flow with her shaking hands, and, after a moment of this, realized with a pang that Joker was now completely oblivious to her presence. Forcing herself up, she quietly limped out of the bedroom and through the living area, trailing blood as she made her way to the bathroom like some sort of wounded animal.

For the next few minutes she moved almost mechanically, cleaning out her wound with the peroxide and dressing it with thick bandages. The knife had driven cleanly to her bone, ripping through muscle tissue, and she quickly swallowed some pills from the emergency kit to dull the intense pain. Only when she was done did she allow herself to cry, curled up pitifully on the bathroom floor, wearing nothing but her lacy pink underwear and smeared with her own blood.

Harley's choking sobs were as quiet as Stan's, muffled by the dirty sock in his mouth, as his ears were being slowly sliced off.

* * *

She was gone in less than two hours, not even bothering to leave a note or packing anything at all, just pulling her clothes on and grabbing the stash of hundreds she kept in a ceramic frog by the kitchen sink. She was angry, hurt, and betrayed. There was only one place she could go when these feelings surfaced and Harley knew she'd be welcomed with open arms. 

Besides…Red had a swimming pool.

* * *

_End Author's Notes: I know it's a long time between my stuff, but y'all are really terrific for reading and reviewing. (I'm going to just go ahead and assume you'll review. I mean, I went to all the trouble writing it and everything…no pressure though.) And who didn't enjoy hot, sweaty, nearly naked Harley? And Joker in a blood stained tank! Kisses babies! Till next time!_

_(PS: I wonder why they had that poor lab technician bound and gagged? Maybe Joker was just bored and needed a violent stress reliever. What do you think?)_


End file.
